Hollow
For
a long time I’ve been trying to fill a hole within my chest. I needed to. Not
wanted. For a long time it was through torrents. Stealing what wasn’t mine made
me feel full. But the feeling was fleeting as are most. So I’d download more
and more and more. Nonstop. Movies, music, games. Entire TV shows. No matter
what I would be doing, I needed to know that there was something downloading in
the background. If I came home and there wasn’t anything in queue, I’d panic to
start a new torrent just so I could breathe again. This collecting of
metaphysical objects has in a way possessed me. And I don’t like it, but I need
it. Just so I could breath. And I know it’s wrong. Forgive me, for I am a
sinner who will sin again. I just need to feed this hole in my chest. I’m
sorry. If I don’t feed it, I don’t know what would happen to me. Would it grow?
Would it devour me? Would I become nothing??? IT’S THEM. IT’S ALWAYS BEEN THEM.
THEY DID THIS TO ME. They made me NEED IT, so that they could own me. And what
am I to do now? I’m an animal in a cage. A horse with a carrot in front of it.
I’d be content if I could just fill this hole in my chest. I swear. Just a few
more terabytes. I swear I’m normal. This is normal right? Please tell me this
is normal. Or is that what they want? I don’t know what to think anymore. They’re
just controlling me for their own amusement. I swear, they’re watching me
through the lens. On my laptop, on my phone, in my head. THEY’VE GOT ME PEGGED.
THEY PUT THIS HOLE IN ME AND NOW IT’S EATING ME ALIVE. Am I even the real me
anymore? I used to be so happy without all this shit. I’ve changed. They
changed me. I know it. Even now, I know they’re watching. They know I’m doing
this but they’re not stopping me because they know no one will believe me. I’d
be locked up in the mad house long before anyone believes me. And then they’d
REALLY have me pegged. They could do whatever they’d want to me and it’d be too
late. I’d be locked in solitary confinement for the rest of time. It must be
collateral if you know what I mean. If I ever convinced people that “THEY”
existed, they could use all the illegal content I downloaded as reason to
arrest me. And then I’d be gone and gagged. Off the grid. Driven out of my mind
in a prison cell alone for the rest of my life. All because I needed to torrent
to my heart’s content. I swear, if I had a thread and needle I’d sow this hole
shut. I’d be so happy if I could cover it over permanently. I just don’t know
what to do anymore. Even as I write this, I can see the download bar almost
reaching 100%, and I can feel the anxiety creeping. Just need to add another to
the queue and I’ll be good for another hour or so. I said I’d sleep hours ago,
but I just need a few more episodes of this show I’m collecting. I’m not even
going to watch it in the end. It’ll go with the others in the terabyte drive. I’m
so tired. I swear, I need this though. Not want. What have I let myself become?
How have I convinced myself that there’s an organization doing this to me? I
know deep down I’m doing this to myself. I DID THIS. I CREATED THIS HOLE IN MY
CHEST. And now I’m suffering because of it. NO. THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT ME TO
THINK. I know the truth. They already have me in solitary confinement here in
my room. They know I won’t leave it. I can’t. They’re keeping me here because I’ve
become too powerful. YES, THEY FEAR WHAT I’VE BECOME. These months of isolation
has given me abilities they’ve never seen before, but they don’t want me to
leave my computer or else I might find that out. BUT I KNOW. Yes I do. With no
distractions from others I have gained a mental state above most human beings.
Psychic abilities they’ve never seen before. Powerful enough to influence the
thoughts of those around me. I’ve felt it, the ability to sense things before
they happen, to see beyond my eyes. Perhaps my abilities have even become telekinetic.
An energy flowing through my veins, emitting from my fingertips. What am I even
saying anymore? Have I completely lost my mind? Secret societies and psychic
abilities. Do I really believe this fantasy? And now, I’m sure you don’t know
what to believe anymore either. Yes you. Reading this right now. I know what you’re
thinking. You think I’ve lost it. You think I’ve gone so deep into my own
imagination that I don’t even know if I’m serious anymore. Well am I? You’ve
been here this entire time, you’d know right? Do I, writing this right now,
believe anything that I’ve said for the last 873 words? The ORGANIZATION, the
psychic powers, or even the hole in
my chest? Or have I been so convincing that you don’t know what’s true of me
and what isn’t anymore? Am I truly mad, or have I written my persona so well that
you have no choice but to believe it's reality? And all the sudden this has
become shallow. Here I am, trying to convince you of lies that I’ve already
convinced myself. And now showing off by revealing the lie. There really is no
value in the secret. Like seeing how a magician does his tricks, it just loses
all its magic. And thus reader, we finally come to the reason I started this whole
page. A simple question. Should I reveal my true self so my readers know that
it’s just a story, or should I let my readers decide what is and isn’t real?
